Ok this is a very tongue in cheek look at a few rules for writing credible vampire stories. By credible I mean not attending high school hundreds of times and twinkling in sunlight.
- If it was easy to make new vampires, we’d be up to our necks in them. Making new vamps has to be hard, actually well-nigh impossible.
- No uncontrollable hunger if they haven’t eaten in a while. I mean, come on, we’d have heard about a high school kid ripping apart a dozen fellow students when he felt peckish.
- Sunlight – The big piece of nonsense that isn’t in the old folklore. Yes they’re creatures that have abjured the light, but that doesn’t mean sunlight kills them. Derrrrr!
- Crucifixes, holy water, garlic and all that vaguely old world Christian mumbo jumbo. Ditch it! It just makes vamp stories strangely camp and unbelievable.
- Do create a reasonable back story about the origin of vampires, but don’t overdo it. A bit of mystery is usually a good thing. No children of Cain though! Been done, never quite works.
- Ok, bodily functions time – If they can get an erection and have sex, they need blood pressure and a heartbeat. Let them eat too. Some of the best bits of all stories, are when people get together for a meal. Think Breaking Bad and that breakfast table.
- No werewolf buddies! There are no exceptions to this rule, ever! Or I might actually come and hunt you down…. Yes really!
- Immortal doesn’t necessarily mean wise. Allow your vamps to be meatheads sometimes.
- No flying, becoming a cloud of fog, or turning into a bat. Actually none of that shit, it moves the story into a strange camp place again.
- Stakes through the heart are both traditional and a good story device.
Ok, I’m sure there are more. We can save the vampire story though, if we stop thinking Twilight actually made any sense at all LOL